I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
