she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
