true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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