NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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