A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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