I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
