Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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