I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
