saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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