summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
pray to the hookup gods
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
