she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
