the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
