I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
