I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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