Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize