u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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