It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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