The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
