In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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