last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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