Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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