do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
