Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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