he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
