the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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