update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
