she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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