What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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