I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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