im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
