hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
