he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
