cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
