wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
