the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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