At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
