I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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