Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize