I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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