3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
this just has baby written all over it
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
