you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
