My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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