I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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