so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sarcasm needs its own font
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize