did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
