Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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