the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
