you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
