I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
3pm strippers are depressing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
