I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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