I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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