I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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