Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize