I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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