i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
