So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Michael Bay diarrhea
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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