I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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