Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
