dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
two words...techno handjob
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
