Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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